Potential Rebound Crush List
by MagicMoneyPants
Summary: Set after the events of 'Into the Bunker.' Mabel finishes her list of potential crushes for her brother. Dipper is not impressed.


Potential Rebound Crush List

Tuesday was always a slow day at the Mystery Shack, with few tourists coming to visit. The lack of customers meant less chores needed to be done, and Dipper had just finished his. With a content sigh he sat down on the living room chair and turned on the TV. As he flipped through the channels Mabel came bounding down the stairs, her permanent smile growing even wider when she spotted her brother.

"Hey bro-bro," She said, "Guess what I have."

Dipper groaned internally. He loved his sister, and even liked her silly antics most of the time, but right now he just wanted to relax. "Mabel, I just cleaned the entire museum and gift shop. Can we do this later?"

"Nope." She answered. "This is life or death stuff we're dealing with right here."

Dipper cocked an eyebrow at her. From her smile he figured she was exaggerating. But this was Gravity Falls, and one could never be too sure. "All right, what's going on?"

"I finished the list!"

"What list?"

"The list of your potential rebound crushes now that Wendy rejected you!"

The boy blushed slightly, but covered it by burying his face in his hands. "Mabel, I appreciate the effort, but I'm really not interested."

"Aww, com'on." She began poking at his side. "This is your chance to start fresh! Get back out there. Get back up on that horse, then date it!"

"Okay. First off, eew. Secondly, I'm just not that interested in dating right now. I'm not as into the whole 'romance' thing as you."

"Which is exactly why you need my help!"

Dipper rolled his eyes. "Mabel, that's just how I feel. You can't force this kind of thing."

"Says you." The girl crossed her arms in defiance.

"You're not going to drop this are you?"

"Nope!"

Dipper sighed in defeat, "Fine, let's see what you got."

Mabel let out an ecstatic squeal and handed her brother the list. Resigned to his fate, Dipper looked at the paper and nearly had to shield his eyes from the copious amounts of glitter and sparkly stickers. Squinting at the curly, bright pink text, he began to read out loud.

"Okay. First we have Candy then Grenda. No surprises there." Dipper glanced towards his sister.

"Hey, I gotta give my girls dibs." Mabel replied. "Or Dips! Whamp!"

Ignoring his twin's playful punch, Dipper continued to the next name, "Pacifica Northwest? _Seriously_?"

"What? She'd make a great crush!" She responded to his incredulous look.

"Mabel, I hate her. _You _hate her. I want nothing to do with her."

"But don't you see Dipper? That's exactly why this type of romance would be so great!"

Mabel stood up and marched back and forth in front of her twin. With all of her ample enthusiasm she began to narrate her brother's love life:

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"Pacifica Northwest, the rich and powerful heiress: Everyone scrambles to be near her, but she is alone, secluded by her own contempt. You, the stranger in town: You are nerdy and awkward and not much to look at ("_Hey!"_). But you refuse to bend before her will, she hates you for it, but is also intrigued. All while unaware of the mysteries that surround you. And finally there's me: The beautiful and talented new girl (_"Oh, come on!"_), beloved by all who meet her.

"Mabel is a threat, her grace and charm are luring away Pacifica's devotees, weakening her stranglehold on the town! She tries to break the girl, but her usual tactics don't work. She must be more cunning. Biding her time she decides to observe her nemesis.

"That's when she notices him: Mabel's boring and homely brother. Previously she had been content to ignore the girl's sidekick (_"Boo!"_), but now a devious plot was brewing in Pacifica's head. She would use Mabel's own brother against her!

"The plan was simple: Make Dipper fall in love with her, thereby turning Mabel's closest ally into her greatest foe! And once she had crushed Mabel, she would discard the boy, as she had done with so many others. But her plot had a flaw: Despite all his shortcomings, Dipper Pines was loyal, and kinda smart _("Seriously Mabel, stop. Just stop."_).

'_Date me!' _Pacifica said._ 'For I am beautiful and rich!'_

'_No!'_ Said Dipper. _'For true beauty comes from the inside! And that is something that cannot be bought!'_

'_But I have changed!' _Said Pacifica. _'My love for you has made me see the error of my ways!'_

'_Ha!'_ Dipper said._ 'This is a trap! You only want to use me to harm my sister!"_

'_Curses!'_ Pacifica said. _'How did you know?!'_

'_You gave yourself away when you said you loved me!' _Said Dipper. _'No one who is beautiful, wealthy, and popular would fall in love with someone as nerdy, boring, and sweaty as me!"_

'_Nooo!'_ Said Pacifica.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"Okay. Stop. No more. Stop talking. Stop." Dipper had had enough and physically shook his sister out of her monolog.

"Hey! I was just getting to the best part!" Mabel shouted at the boy. "The dramatic ending where Pacifica cradles your head in her arms, tearfully apologizing, and saying that she really does love you. Then, with your dying breath, you confess that you love her too."

"No. That story was complete balderdash! None of that stuff would ever happen, and… Wait. What do you mean 'with my dying breath'?"

Mabel realized she may have said too much and decided to change the subject, "So, ya wanna get back to that list?"

"No, I wanna tell you how ridiculous that story was! The plot made no sense, the characters were off model, nobody talks with that many exclamation points, and were you gonna kill me off in my own love story?"

Mabel's eyes darted back and forth nervously, "So, how about that list there?"

Dipper groaned in defeat. He knew his sister's imagination was a force no amount of logic could compete with. But before he could let the whole ordeal go, he had to know one thing, "When you come up with these creepy stories about people you know, you don't write them down, right?"

"What? No. Of course not." Mabel chuckled nervously, kicking a sticker covered notebook under the recliner.

Dipper stared at her for a few moments before saying, "Okay good. So, you're not gonna leave me alone until I've finished your list, are you?"

"Nuh-uh." Mabel shook her head.

"Fine." Retrieving the paper he began to read aloud again. "Pacifica's henchgirl #1 and/or #2."

Dipper looked over the edge of the paper to see his sister's metal filled smile.

"Since neither of us know their names I think we can cross them off as possibilities." He said.

Mabel was disappointed by the rejection, but decided to remain silent as her twin continued.

"Next on the list is… _Mabel_?"

"'Sup?" The girl perked up at hearing her name called.

"No, the next name is 'Mabel.' Why is your name on a list of potential crushes for me?" He asked incredulously.

"Oh, that." The girl replied with a shrug. "I don't actually know that many girls in town, I just started putting names down."

"Yeah, but _your_ name?"

Another shrug was the only answer he got. Dipper closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. He could feel another Mabel induced migraine coming on. Looking back up at his sister, he decided to address the source of the problem.

"Mabel, have you been listening to Wagnerian Opera again?"

"Psh, no!" The girl stuck her nose in the air and folded her arms. A guilty expression soon crossed her face. Arms now limp at her sides and eyes on her feet she said, "Maybe."

"Mabel, we've talked about this before." Dipper said. "Just because mythological figures are twins, doesn't mean they're good role models."

"I know." Came her meek response.

"I still have a scar from when we learned about Rome in school."

"Hey! That was mostly an accident and you know it."

"Let's just get on with this." With another sigh, Dipper read the next name on the list. "Mermando?"

"Ooh, that's a good one!" Mabel chirped.

"Why would you want me to fall for your merman ex-boyfriend?"

"For the conflict baby!"

"Conflict?"

"Yeah! Can't you just see it? Twin against twin, fighting for heart of the same fish-boy. Who will he choose? Will their love of the same merman tear the siblings apart forever? What will happen when he comes over for dinner? Will the whole family have to eat in the bathroom so their guest can breathe? How will their parents react when they find out their son is an icthyosexual? How much does it cost to install an indoor pool? You know: Conflict."

"Okay. Just gonna skip over that one."

"Aww."

"And the last name on the list is… Tambry?" Dipper gave his sister another questioning look.

"What's wrong with Tambry?" Mabel asked. "She's cute. She has a cellphone. She… Actually that's all I really know about her, but she's cute right?

"Mabel. She's the same age as Wendy."

"So?"

"So." Yep, he was definitely getting another Mabel-migraine. "The whole reason a relationship between me and Wendy wouldn't work out is because of the age difference! That's why you made this list to begin with!"

Mabel sighed and shook her head. Giving her brother a pitying look she asked, "Dipper what does the top of that paper say?"

Her twin rose an eyebrow in confusion, but read anyway, "It says: _List of Dipper's Potential Rebound Crushes._ Why?"

"Rebound _crushes_, Dipper." She stood in front of her brother with hands on her hips as though she were lecturing a small child, or misbehaving pig. "The keyword there is _crushes._ This is a list of people for you to fall for. Not people for you to date."

The boy just looked between the paper in his hand and his irritated sibling. He stood up from the recliner, crumpled the glittery paper into a ball, and said, "I'm gonna go ask Wendy and Soos if I can sleep on either of their couches tonight… And maybe the rest of the summer."

Calmly walking over to the trash bin, Dipper discarded the list. With that done he opened the door to the gift shop and left his sister standing in the living room. Suddenly he ducked his head back through the door and said, "Also, Mermando would have picked me."


End file.
